What do you do when you feel disrespected at work?

Once you have checked your perspective and gathered your facts, practice self-advocacy, approach the person and speak to them about how their behaviour is making you feel.

As individuals we don’t always think about or define respect in the same way – but we often expect others to subscribe to the same thoughts and behaviours as us. This is fine when it works, and we are working with a lovely, cohesive, respectful team of like-minded, compassionate people – but what do you do when you are working with someone who doesn’t treat you in line with your understanding of respect.

Firstly, be kind to yourself and practice self-care. Be mindful of any negative self-talk.

Secondly, check your interpretation of the behaviour/s.

What is happening that is causing you to feel disrespected? Try to sit back and honestly observe the behaviours as impartially as you can, write down what you see.

Is there a trusted colleague or support person you can talk to for their unbiased perspective of what you are feeling?

Once again - remember that self-care – can you limit your interactions with this person until the issue has been dealt with?

Once you have checked your perspective and gathered your facts, practice self-advocacy, approach the person and speak to them about how their behaviour is making you feel. Remember that you have the right to be treated with respect and compassion.

I often hear people say ‘why did the person never tell me what I had done, or how they felt?’ Or, ‘I wish I had had the opportunity to stop or change the impact I was having’. It’s not an excuse, and it can be hard to believe, but it is possible that the person does not know that you are feeling disrespected. I think most of us would want to know if we had upset someone, telling them might be doing them a favour.

Choose the moment carefully for your approach – set yourself and them up to succeed.

Personally I love a ‘walk and talk’ or the ‘can I buy you a coffee’ approach.

Go into the interaction knowing what you want to say and why you want to say it – this may sound silly but really think about what you want to achieve from the conversation – are you just wanting to air your feelings and be heard? Do you want / are you expecting an apology? Or something else?

Be aware of your body language and tone and deliver your message honestly, politely and without aggression.

Use an ‘I message’, e.g. ‘when you spoke over me and said XYZ in the staff meeting yesterday, I felt dismissed and disrespected’. Allow the recipient of your message time to process your comment without feeling attacked and then actively listen to their response.

Be prepared to clarify or give factual examples of the behaviour/s you are discussing but do not repeat yourself over and over. Remember you do not need to defend feeling offended or disrespected.

If you feel yourself becoming emotional or reactionary during the conversation, don’t apologise but consider naming your emotion and asking for a short break – allow the other party to also do this.

If your meeting doesn’t go well, be kind to yourself, go away and assess the interaction but don’t obsess – you might like to write down what was said while it is still fresh so that you can let it go for now. I would try to have the conversation again the next time I saw the person, ‘X, I feel that our conversation yesterday didn’t go as well as I would have liked, I would like to try that again’.

If your second approach with the person is also unsuccessful, again, make some notes and then be prepared to take your issue higher. Is there a supervisor, manager, employee support officer, contact officer, or HR rep that you can go to?

THE DON’Ts

• DON’T RETALIATE

• Don’t ignore how you are feeling

• Don’t lose your message in the delivery

• Don’t feel that you need to defend feeling offended or disrespected

THE DOs

• Set yourself and them up to succeed

• Prepare

• Know what you want to say and why you want to say it

• Be polite, clear, and non-aggressive

• Practice self-advocacy

• Use ‘I’ statements

• Listen sensitively and attentively

• Practice empathy

• Consider your body language

Be prepared to go higher - this previous blog may be useful if you are worried about going higher Our managers are unapproachable. Our managers don’t act. — Respect at Work

Respect at Work facilitates discussions to assist your staff to understand and appreciate workplace respect, respectful behaviours and communication, please get in touch if we can be of assistance for your workplace.