The respect dance
It’s been a busy and reflectful couple of months at my house…
It’s been a busy and reflectful couple of months at my house. Not only has there been the usual fun and coordination of summer activity - balancing socialising with work, but my father-in-law also moved in with us in December.
My father-in-law is a beautiful, caring man, it is a huge privilege to care for a parent, and we are genuinely respectful people, but WOW! Another person in the house (after a few years as empty nesters) really changes the dynamics.
I have been spoilt with a solo home office and even though I speak to others about their office dynamics I personally have not had to share ‘office space’ for many years. This new experience has reminded me that there is a dance to respecting each other’s space, independence, and all the other nuances of cohabitation.
December and January flew by in a blur but February has bought a new calm, I think the transition period is over and we have settled into a comfortable and respectful flow. But our home relationships, just like our workplace relationships need care and nurturing. We need to consciously and actively provide psychological safety for all 3 of us, each of our voices need to be valued and heard as we negotiate space, food and movie choices 😊.
Coincidently 2 of the books I had vowed to re-read over the summer (I only got through 7 of the 24) were Mastering Civility by Christine Porath and Getting Along by Amy Gallo. Yes, those titles were a conscious choice (read into that what you will ;) ).
Here are some of my golden take-aways from each book:
Christine Porath asks the question: Who do you want to be? And by what rules are you willing to hold one another accountable?
Later in the book she goes on to ask: What are your triggers? What makes you be less than your best self? She writes about blind spots and reminds us that we judge ourselves by our intentions while others judge us by the effects of our actions. Christine suggests having an open discussion with your team about what you and they do and/or say that conveys respect. She suggests that we should all ask ourselves, how and when are you less than respectful? What could you do or say better?
Christine Porath’s book also has a chapter titled Sculpt Civility. I loved the first paragraph of this chapter: Reinforce civility at every turn. Make it second nature – so familiar that people don’t even think about it; they just do it. Emphasise civility’s importance during employee orientations. Repeat it like a mantra. Make it a talking point at every meeting. Challenge employees to master civility fundamentals.
Some advice from Amy Gallo’s book is to clean up your side of the street – check yourself - it’s easy to lose sight of how we know we should behave.
Amy’s book also suggests 9 principles for getting along with anyone:
Focus on what you can control.
Your perspective is just one perspective – there is rarely an objective truth – be aware of naïve realism and fundamental attribution error.
Be aware of your biases.
Don’t make it ‘me against them’ (or ‘right vs wrong’/’me vs you’/’victim vs villain’). Instead of seeing 2 opposing factions, imagine there are 3 entities in a dispute – you, them, and the issue/dynamic.
Rely on empathy to see things differently. Try to look from another’s perspective with a generous spirit.
Know your goal. Don’t let hidden agendas suck you in.
Avoid gossip. Instead seek out people who are constructive and have your best interests at heart, people who will challenge your perspective when they disagree and will exercise discretion.
Experiment with what works.
Be and stay curious. Complacency and pessimism will get you nowhere, instead adopt a curious mindset.
I could say so much more about both books but do yourself a favour and grab copies for your own bookshelf.
For me I think the biggest reminders from my reading and the last couple of months is that we are all inherently human, relationships can be hard, and respect should never be taken for granted. It’s not just about being kind and respectful to others – we have to take time to practice that kindness and respect on ourselves.